Stitching the fabric of time

I have so many jumbled thoughts as I pen this...the words are just not flowing right. I am trying to recall exactly when I started embroidery. Ma use to do it always and our house has multiple marks of those, her drawings and her embroidery.

I picked up some, not drawing though! So winter holidays meant pampering Ma to get me threads and needles, wool balls and clothes. Every holiday it would be something different.

But studies, education and other priorities took over. And this hobby went for a toss. But I picked up a table cloth to brush up those skills and also to relive some of those old memories.

Ma, I did something after all these years. It's not come out the way I wanted it nor is it spotless but I just wanted to do it.

Who would have loved it more than you, to see a completed work?

Bijoya Dashami

This morning my Facebook wall and my whatsapp have been filled with Bijoya Dashami and Dussehra wishes I just but can't help going back to last year. Would I know that would be Ma's last?

Ma was hospitalized in September and though we didn't know we could celebrate Durga Puja, we did! but unfortunately on Dashami morning I showed my tantrums with Ma over a very small thing which I could have easily avoided. And since the morning I have been remembering that day and how she said she didn't mean to hurt me. Baba had also explained later that at this age she could miss something and there was no reason for me to erupt.

She fell ill just before Diwali and she did not live till the end of the year. 

Will she know somehow that our tantrums, our anger are always for the closest people in our lives? With them we know we can be just us, we can say and do the way it is in our hearts? Only if they stayed with us for ever...

Mahalaya

Today brings back many memories...Mahalaya marks the beginning of  Durga Puja. The feeling in the air is of happiness, of excitement, of family love and more.

The childhood memories are very fresh, Ma and Baba waking up at 4 am and tuning the radio on. And then sitting together with tea and biscuits and listening to the timeless voice of Birendra Bhadra.

This has been a routine, a ritual of sorts for all these years. Even when we have stayed away from Ma and Baba, we were sure to receive a wake up call from them.

Tuning in to the radio, and in later years TV and let that recitation flow through almost the rest of the day is something we cannot do without.

This year has been little different, this year Ma is not with us on this day. We did not wake up at 4 am, or may be my brother did(even though he is not well). Baba who used to be the most excited did not bother this time, he is missing Ma for sure. We are not celebrating this year but the memories will stay.

Ya devi sarvabhuteshu Vishnu-mayeti sadbita
Namas tasyai, Namas tasyai, Namas tasyai namo namah.
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu buddhi - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu nidra - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu ksudha - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu chhaya - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shakti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu trisna - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu ksanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu lajja - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu Sraddha - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu kanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu lakshmi - rupena samsthita, namas tasya

Evenings

As the sun was setting this evening
The day light getting dim...
I and little brother sitting and talking...
Knowing that it's evening, knowing that the day is almost done.

My mind took me to years back...evenings when
Me and my little brother would be back from our games
Waiting for the gate to open...
Knowing that Ma and Pa will be now be home
Knowing that supper would be ready soon...
Knowing that the day is almost done...

And my eyes almost dropped a tear...
Knowing that those days are days of past
And just then like nature answered me right there and then
Enters Pa like he always does
And I smiled and suppressed a tear...
Ma must be here, right here somewhere too

Home & Ma

This was the first time that I was coming home knowing that I won’t find Ma here and will never find her here anymore. Well, last year I was here at around the same time and Ma was in Delhi and we would talk but not anymore.

When Baba opened the doors there was so much pain in him and it’s hard to describe it  but to me it was like a regret of having taken them to Delhi and not to bring her back, not giving her the chance to see her home. I had my reasons and I would never know that it would be her last.

I have been away from home since 1998, almost 20 years now and have come home once or twice a day for two weeks or so. And then she would keep my clothes, slippers ready every time. Our home coming meant a lot for her always, she would be happy. We would talk and then food would follow. This time though, I had to look for my clothes and slippers and knowing that it will be like this from now on.

So one day the maid did not turn up and I was wondering how to wash all these clothes when Baba asked me to use the washing machine. So I did and remembered that it is Ma who came to my rescue; this washing machine was her farewell gift from work!

The next day the maid asked if we had ‘Neel’, the cloth whitener and I promptly said no. It has been way too long we have forgotten the use of Neel and though Ma used it all the time it never was my job! So I looked at another container and yes it was there. The maid was happy and I was left wondering at life, the stuff we accumulate over the years, the stuff that becomes part of our daily lives, one day we leave these all and just go.

It pains more to see Baba do all the household chores with the same level of duty as he always did. I tend to give up but his life is a lesson. Tirelessly he dried the clothes last evening, went to get the broken utensil fixed and ensured all bank jobs were done.

And as I washed and re-arranged the curtains I almost expected Ma to come and say ‘Oh you changed this, you replaced that…’ I look for approval but from where?

Her Sarees…she needed those for work just as I buy dresses because I get bored. She was a working woman and over the years has accumulated lots. Seeing them lying nicely sorted, ironed gives me goosebumps…I just can’t believe that she will not touch these any more. And more so, I am not sure how many we will wear over the years given that we don’t really wear Sarees these days.

As I browse through very old items which obviously needs to be discarded and I have done that in the past, and with ease, but now the thought of a memory attached to it comes to mind.  And I take a step back and think maybe next time!

On both the Thursdays I read the ‘Panchali’, every word I read was effortless, since those words were like ringing in my ears the way Ma read it and as though I had memorized those. Climbing up and down the stairs gives me a sudden jolt, that feeling that she won’t be here anymore but is she watching?

There is a ‘mura’ in the kitchen where she used to sit and have her tea, or cut the vegetables or make the rotis in the stove. Seems like there is no kerosene supply these days and the stove will soon be gone...but memories will stay!

Home and its flowers...every morning she woke up to pluck the flowers for Puja. Baba did it this time, it was painful to see this but life must go on

Eco Challenge

Our organisation has initiated an Eco Challenge encouraging people to adopt a healthy life style and hence contributing to the environment.

And we have started participating as a team, we have selected certain daily chores which we have resolved to accomplish.

The challenges are in all categories from healthy living to mindful eating, less screen time and more time outdoors.

We are all following it to the core and enjoying it. And what we last Friday brought everyone a happy smile.

We decided to dine on fruits and salads and the whole team was game for it. We chose an outdoor location and had our lunch in much peace! For the coming week we plan to do something similar, we are all excited!

And though this challenge is for 10 days only, some of us would have developed a habit by the end of it!

Let's do our bit.

Every thing that lies here and there

Every thing that lies here and there has got her touch and feel in it, and this is in our Delhi home. We have not been to our Shillong home yet and that will be a task!

The book shelf that she had arranged remains the same, I am still not getting the courage to dust it leave aside doing anything different to the existing arrangement.

Today I threw a mouth gel with so much pain, some of her clothes I had already given away! Some of her face creams and her nail polishes stay...these are mine, very much mine.

But the stuff that has to stay will stay, her Sarees and her Shawls, her Sandals. I have started wearing them not that I didn't wear when she was there.

Some questions come to mind, never to be answered...the circle of birth and death will never be understood. All her possessions stay here and hits the mind in a way that is not easy to be explained.

I want to speak to her, feel her, and let her know how much more I would have loved to give her what she loved.

And the memories

This Navratri we are not doing anything, a year we will not be participating in any auspicious occasion. But long before we heard about Navratri, we celebrated Basanti Puja in our very home.

And this time of the year Baba misses it for the most, last few years it was an annual trip to Kamakhya temple. And long before that the annual festivities at home.

And the four days meant a lot to the entire family. Ma Basanti is the keeper of our home, giver of our lives and protector in all seasons.

My mind is filled with memories of our home where the preparations would start to deck the Puja room, to get arrangements done for the Pujas and the aunties pouring in for helping Ma.

Arranging flowers and fruits, deciding the menu for the Bhog and attending to everyone who came home. We even had times when people who we did not invite turned up for the Puja.

And add to that our cousins, our games, having lunch together or saving some special Prasad for ourselves are all what will never come back. It's so so fresh in the memory.

Ma's role was wonderful, she did everything that was needed to. The quiet person that she was, she demonstrated such patience that only she and only she could handle these proceedings almost single handed. I sometimes would be angry at her for may be paying me a little less attention those days but now when I think about it, here was this lady who held on to family, culture without questioning.

I don't know how much of what she did we could give her back, surely never enough....but wherever she is today, and as they say the soul knows it all, may she know that she is missed.

My Many Regrets

With Ma's leaving us brings the regrets upfront....

So everyone at her deathbed and later and me too felt that she must have had that one wish unfulfilled, to see her daughter married, to have played with her grandchildren.
...But Ma, was it in any of our control? And do you rather not see your daughter satisfied then be in a marriage and suffocate!
...You know Ma, may be someday...may be you will know.

The day before your last day, since you were to be released and not before evening I once thought of going to office and staying home the next day. But I changed my mind the last moment and stayed at home. But my regret is I kept doing my office work in between the household chores. Had I any sense or idea I might have spent the whole day and tried to speak to you, make you say any last words you had in mind!
....Never did it seem that day would be the last, it seemed like a matter of days you would be better and my mind was full of the next step that needed to be taken.
....I spoke to my cousin that day, almost wanting to tell him to come...but also adding that she would be released!
....Did you purposely keep me away?

And those times in the hospital I scolded you to be more patient, to have the food, even crying and saying that you make me helpless. Saying Ma do you like trips to the hospital, every other day? Asking her to try, to make an effort....but did she have enough energy and did I ever understand?

Miss You

Even though you spoke so little, Even though I shared so less

When you asked me about my uncombed hair, how I brushed it away

When you asked me about my laughing to self, how I said it’s nothing Ma

When you asked me about that tear in my eye, how I said it’s just a cold

I miss the question when I dug something from the cupboard

I miss the excitement when I bought something new

I miss that look when I came home early, I miss that look when I went out with friends

I miss you is just a phrase, too little to capture what all I miss...

Makar Sankranti

The other day I bought some sweet potatoes, boiled those and cut these into pieces, added salt and lemon, to be had as snacks! Simple stuff but the mind went back to that time, back home in Shillong, on cold winter days and awaiting the arrival of Sankranti.

All rituals and celebrations always have a special space in our family and we are not the ones to have kept away from the festivities. My Ma was a working woman, full time between home and office and did everything she could to balance both.  So the ritual, a day before Sankranti was for her to go to office but return early as there were these peethas to be made. So she would boil the sweet potatoes, leave them to cool and ask me to peel the skin and mash them fine. She would particularly tell me to ensure that there were no small pieces left. And when she got home we would both be at it, mash the potatoes finer, add the flour and mix them into a dough. Then make oval shaped pieces with those. We would then fry those, and add the same to the jaggery syrup. 

Then there were pathi peethas and pulis and gojas. We did these in the mud chullhas and even in the biting cold we would be warm from the heat in the kitchen. And most of it was done, we would all sit together and relish the same.

And before this was all done, bhai and me and friends would build a mera-meri ghor, not a perfect hut but had all the ingredients of fun and festivity. The next morning, that is on the Sankranti morning, I would usually be the first to get up, heat the water on a stove(there were no geysers then) and then wake up bhai and the cousins whenever they were with us. One by one, in those cold mornings we would bathe and then go and burn that hut.  By that time Ma would bathe, prepare the peethas for the Gods and then do her Puja. Once that was done, it was peetha time for us.

Things have changed, we have grown up and Ma has left us all behind. This will be the first Sankranti without her and we will not be really celebrating.  I know Baba will miss all these more than us, for he knows what Ma has done to gel into his family, the traditions and the values. May be the nieces will be the reason we prepare some peethas, while hiding our tears.

For you Ma

Ma, this is for you! I am trying to do a few things and I hope these will make me a better person and the world, a better place!

I know you did not like the frequent tussle between me and Baba. You always asked me to keep quiet which I never paid heed to. I had to bring my point home. I know your nature kept the marriage alive and kept our family going in spite of all the troubles we had to go through! We know all so well what you have done for all!

I broke down on the day of the Shraddha, over something that Baba said. I cried my heart out but got back to work soon. Since that day I have tried to control and I am trying to keep quiet.

Ok, our microwave was not working and we could have easily got that repaired but Baba wanted to buy us a new one. I did not argue and we bought one. And so that you know we used money from your savings account to do the same. You would have approved I think!

I will continue this post to add little things I think I am trying to do to make things better.