Stitching the fabric of time

I have so many jumbled thoughts as I pen this...the words are just not flowing right. I am trying to recall exactly when I started embroidery. Ma use to do it always and our house has multiple marks of those, her drawings and her embroidery.

I picked up some, not drawing though! So winter holidays meant pampering Ma to get me threads and needles, wool balls and clothes. Every holiday it would be something different.

But studies, education and other priorities took over. And this hobby went for a toss. But I picked up a table cloth to brush up those skills and also to relive some of those old memories.

Ma, I did something after all these years. It's not come out the way I wanted it nor is it spotless but I just wanted to do it.

Who would have loved it more than you, to see a completed work?

Bijoya Dashami

This morning my Facebook wall and my whatsapp have been filled with Bijoya Dashami and Dussehra wishes I just but can't help going back to last year. Would I know that would be Ma's last?

Ma was hospitalized in September and though we didn't know we could celebrate Durga Puja, we did! but unfortunately on Dashami morning I showed my tantrums with Ma over a very small thing which I could have easily avoided. And since the morning I have been remembering that day and how she said she didn't mean to hurt me. Baba had also explained later that at this age she could miss something and there was no reason for me to erupt.

She fell ill just before Diwali and she did not live till the end of the year. 

Will she know somehow that our tantrums, our anger are always for the closest people in our lives? With them we know we can be just us, we can say and do the way it is in our hearts? Only if they stayed with us for ever...

Mahalaya

Today brings back many memories...Mahalaya marks the beginning of  Durga Puja. The feeling in the air is of happiness, of excitement, of family love and more.

The childhood memories are very fresh, Ma and Baba waking up at 4 am and tuning the radio on. And then sitting together with tea and biscuits and listening to the timeless voice of Birendra Bhadra.

This has been a routine, a ritual of sorts for all these years. Even when we have stayed away from Ma and Baba, we were sure to receive a wake up call from them.

Tuning in to the radio, and in later years TV and let that recitation flow through almost the rest of the day is something we cannot do without.

This year has been little different, this year Ma is not with us on this day. We did not wake up at 4 am, or may be my brother did(even though he is not well). Baba who used to be the most excited did not bother this time, he is missing Ma for sure. We are not celebrating this year but the memories will stay.

Ya devi sarvabhuteshu Vishnu-mayeti sadbita
Namas tasyai, Namas tasyai, Namas tasyai namo namah.
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu buddhi - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu nidra - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu ksudha - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu chhaya - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shakti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu trisna - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu ksanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu lajja - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu shanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu Sraddha - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu kanti - rupena samsthita, namas tasyai … … …
Ya devi sarvabhuteshu lakshmi - rupena samsthita, namas tasya

Evenings

As the sun was setting this evening
The day light getting dim...
I and little brother sitting and talking...
Knowing that it's evening, knowing that the day is almost done.

My mind took me to years back...evenings when
Me and my little brother would be back from our games
Waiting for the gate to open...
Knowing that Ma and Pa will be now be home
Knowing that supper would be ready soon...
Knowing that the day is almost done...

And my eyes almost dropped a tear...
Knowing that those days are days of past
And just then like nature answered me right there and then
Enters Pa like he always does
And I smiled and suppressed a tear...
Ma must be here, right here somewhere too

Home & Ma

This was the first time that I was coming home knowing that I won’t find Ma here and will never find her here anymore. Well, last year I was here at around the same time and Ma was in Delhi and we would talk but not anymore.

When Baba opened the doors there was so much pain in him and it’s hard to describe it  but to me it was like a regret of having taken them to Delhi and not to bring her back, not giving her the chance to see her home. I had my reasons and I would never know that it would be her last.

I have been away from home since 1998, almost 20 years now and have come home once or twice a day for two weeks or so. And then she would keep my clothes, slippers ready every time. Our home coming meant a lot for her always, she would be happy. We would talk and then food would follow. This time though, I had to look for my clothes and slippers and knowing that it will be like this from now on.

So one day the maid did not turn up and I was wondering how to wash all these clothes when Baba asked me to use the washing machine. So I did and remembered that it is Ma who came to my rescue; this washing machine was her farewell gift from work!

The next day the maid asked if we had ‘Neel’, the cloth whitener and I promptly said no. It has been way too long we have forgotten the use of Neel and though Ma used it all the time it never was my job! So I looked at another container and yes it was there. The maid was happy and I was left wondering at life, the stuff we accumulate over the years, the stuff that becomes part of our daily lives, one day we leave these all and just go.

It pains more to see Baba do all the household chores with the same level of duty as he always did. I tend to give up but his life is a lesson. Tirelessly he dried the clothes last evening, went to get the broken utensil fixed and ensured all bank jobs were done.

And as I washed and re-arranged the curtains I almost expected Ma to come and say ‘Oh you changed this, you replaced that…’ I look for approval but from where?

Her Sarees…she needed those for work just as I buy dresses because I get bored. She was a working woman and over the years has accumulated lots. Seeing them lying nicely sorted, ironed gives me goosebumps…I just can’t believe that she will not touch these any more. And more so, I am not sure how many we will wear over the years given that we don’t really wear Sarees these days.

As I browse through very old items which obviously needs to be discarded and I have done that in the past, and with ease, but now the thought of a memory attached to it comes to mind.  And I take a step back and think maybe next time!

On both the Thursdays I read the ‘Panchali’, every word I read was effortless, since those words were like ringing in my ears the way Ma read it and as though I had memorized those. Climbing up and down the stairs gives me a sudden jolt, that feeling that she won’t be here anymore but is she watching?

There is a ‘mura’ in the kitchen where she used to sit and have her tea, or cut the vegetables or make the rotis in the stove. Seems like there is no kerosene supply these days and the stove will soon be gone...but memories will stay!

Home and its flowers...every morning she woke up to pluck the flowers for Puja. Baba did it this time, it was painful to see this but life must go on

Every thing that lies here and there

Every thing that lies here and there has got her touch and feel in it, and this is in our Delhi home. We have not been to our Shillong home yet and that will be a task!

The book shelf that she had arranged remains the same, I am still not getting the courage to dust it leave aside doing anything different to the existing arrangement.

Today I threw a mouth gel with so much pain, some of her clothes I had already given away! Some of her face creams and her nail polishes stay...these are mine, very much mine.

But the stuff that has to stay will stay, her Sarees and her Shawls, her Sandals. I have started wearing them not that I didn't wear when she was there.

Some questions come to mind, never to be answered...the circle of birth and death will never be understood. All her possessions stay here and hits the mind in a way that is not easy to be explained.

I want to speak to her, feel her, and let her know how much more I would have loved to give her what she loved.

And the memories

This Navratri we are not doing anything, a year we will not be participating in any auspicious occasion. But long before we heard about Navratri, we celebrated Basanti Puja in our very home.

And this time of the year Baba misses it for the most, last few years it was an annual trip to Kamakhya temple. And long before that the annual festivities at home.

And the four days meant a lot to the entire family. Ma Basanti is the keeper of our home, giver of our lives and protector in all seasons.

My mind is filled with memories of our home where the preparations would start to deck the Puja room, to get arrangements done for the Pujas and the aunties pouring in for helping Ma.

Arranging flowers and fruits, deciding the menu for the Bhog and attending to everyone who came home. We even had times when people who we did not invite turned up for the Puja.

And add to that our cousins, our games, having lunch together or saving some special Prasad for ourselves are all what will never come back. It's so so fresh in the memory.

Ma's role was wonderful, she did everything that was needed to. The quiet person that she was, she demonstrated such patience that only she and only she could handle these proceedings almost single handed. I sometimes would be angry at her for may be paying me a little less attention those days but now when I think about it, here was this lady who held on to family, culture without questioning.

I don't know how much of what she did we could give her back, surely never enough....but wherever she is today, and as they say the soul knows it all, may she know that she is missed.

My Many Regrets

With Ma's leaving us brings the regrets upfront....

So everyone at her deathbed and later and me too felt that she must have had that one wish unfulfilled, to see her daughter married, to have played with her grandchildren.
...But Ma, was it in any of our control? And do you rather not see your daughter satisfied then be in a marriage and suffocate!
...You know Ma, may be someday...may be you will know.

The day before your last day, since you were to be released and not before evening I once thought of going to office and staying home the next day. But I changed my mind the last moment and stayed at home. But my regret is I kept doing my office work in between the household chores. Had I any sense or idea I might have spent the whole day and tried to speak to you, make you say any last words you had in mind!
....Never did it seem that day would be the last, it seemed like a matter of days you would be better and my mind was full of the next step that needed to be taken.
....I spoke to my cousin that day, almost wanting to tell him to come...but also adding that she would be released!
....Did you purposely keep me away?

And those times in the hospital I scolded you to be more patient, to have the food, even crying and saying that you make me helpless. Saying Ma do you like trips to the hospital, every other day? Asking her to try, to make an effort....but did she have enough energy and did I ever understand?

Miss You

Even though you spoke so little, Even though I shared so less

When you asked me about my uncombed hair, how I brushed it away

When you asked me about my laughing to self, how I said it’s nothing Ma

When you asked me about that tear in my eye, how I said it’s just a cold

I miss the question when I dug something from the cupboard

I miss the excitement when I bought something new

I miss that look when I came home early, I miss that look when I went out with friends

I miss you is just a phrase, too little to capture what all I miss...

Makar Sankranti

The other day I bought some sweet potatoes, boiled those and cut these into pieces, added salt and lemon, to be had as snacks! Simple stuff but the mind went back to that time, back home in Shillong, on cold winter days and awaiting the arrival of Sankranti.

All rituals and celebrations always have a special space in our family and we are not the ones to have kept away from the festivities. My Ma was a working woman, full time between home and office and did everything she could to balance both.  So the ritual, a day before Sankranti was for her to go to office but return early as there were these peethas to be made. So she would boil the sweet potatoes, leave them to cool and ask me to peel the skin and mash them fine. She would particularly tell me to ensure that there were no small pieces left. And when she got home we would both be at it, mash the potatoes finer, add the flour and mix them into a dough. Then make oval shaped pieces with those. We would then fry those, and add the same to the jaggery syrup. 

Then there were pathi peethas and pulis and gojas. We did these in the mud chullhas and even in the biting cold we would be warm from the heat in the kitchen. And most of it was done, we would all sit together and relish the same.

And before this was all done, bhai and me and friends would build a mera-meri ghor, not a perfect hut but had all the ingredients of fun and festivity. The next morning, that is on the Sankranti morning, I would usually be the first to get up, heat the water on a stove(there were no geysers then) and then wake up bhai and the cousins whenever they were with us. One by one, in those cold mornings we would bathe and then go and burn that hut.  By that time Ma would bathe, prepare the peethas for the Gods and then do her Puja. Once that was done, it was peetha time for us.

Things have changed, we have grown up and Ma has left us all behind. This will be the first Sankranti without her and we will not be really celebrating.  I know Baba will miss all these more than us, for he knows what Ma has done to gel into his family, the traditions and the values. May be the nieces will be the reason we prepare some peethas, while hiding our tears.

For you Ma

Ma, this is for you! I am trying to do a few things and I hope these will make me a better person and the world, a better place!

I know you did not like the frequent tussle between me and Baba. You always asked me to keep quiet which I never paid heed to. I had to bring my point home. I know your nature kept the marriage alive and kept our family going in spite of all the troubles we had to go through! We know all so well what you have done for all!

I broke down on the day of the Shraddha, over something that Baba said. I cried my heart out but got back to work soon. Since that day I have tried to control and I am trying to keep quiet.

Ok, our microwave was not working and we could have easily got that repaired but Baba wanted to buy us a new one. I did not argue and we bought one. And so that you know we used money from your savings account to do the same. You would have approved I think!

I will continue this post to add little things I think I am trying to do to make things better.

Some Winters ago

It's Dec 30 today, some years back in 2001 on a cold December morning, probably the 31st I arrived in Delhi with Ma and today as I sit at home remembering a lot many things, I wonder if I should be thankful for these 15 years or wonder if it could have been more!

This afternoon as Baba listened to the news on the radio and the songs started after the news, my mind raced back to years back when me and Ma use to lie on the bed listening to songs after our lunch. I did not have a job then and Ma had come to settle us down. There was no internet or TV then and the radio was our only source of entertainment on such gloomy noons. I remembered buying vegetables and cooking mixed veg. How I wish those days of Ma's fair health had lasted for ever.

I had a job by Feb and Ma returned to Shillong in April if I remember correctly. Ma and Baba have visited many winters since and my heart really wants to rewind back to those days, to do things that I could have done, made her more happy or simply listen to the radio.

Flowers

I read this somewhere yesterday...

                           If Roses grow in Heaven Lord,
                           Please pick  a bunch for me,
                           Place them in my Mother's arms
                          And tell her they're from me...

And sure she loves flowers, we have a garden back in our Shillong home and she missed all those while in Delhi. So when she left she received these flowers from friends here and there, she must have felt some happiness.

And as if by some pull, I have started getting some flowers as well. Hope I continue....these will be for you Ma.

Somewhere here

Do I hear a whisper or it's just my mind?

Do I feel a touch or it's just my mind?

Are those eyes watching or am I just dreaming?

Is there a star that shines brighter or is that just my mind?

Do I see a smile? Hope your pain is all gone! 

Of Wishes, Desires and Possessions

Our never ending wishes, our happiness in owning and our never ending desires. Yes, life is such. And one day we leave it all and just leave. Who knows where we go...

Looking at Ma's clothes brings a kind of pain that is difficult to put in words, I have started sorting it out which is a bigger pain. No, I can't pretend not to notice, and I don't want to postpone either!

She loved sarees and over her lifetime had accumulated many. Each of these has some or the other memory associated. She would always wonder about their fate as I don't wear Sarees too often even though I love wearing them. But it was not too bad as every time I went home I would pick one of her sarees and bring it with me to wear. And that had started long back, from my college days. When I was in hostel I would take one during each visit, wear it on some occasion and bring it back home the next time and take another.

Recently I started collecting my own sarees, and she loved to see me in Sarees. I had told her I will make Salwar suits out of some of her Sarees and she was pleased. How many of these I will wear I don't know but seeing these makes me smile and cry at the same time. She loved the the latest Saree that I had bought but unfortunately I have not worn it yet. I meant to wear at a wedding but dumped it for a suit. The next day she felt sick, these unrelated logic and connections will haunt me for don't know how long!

Last year I got one for her from Jaipur and did not tell her. I wanted it to be a surprise. She was in our hometown Shillong and I was in Delhi. I did ask her what she wanted as she always said that she had too many. So I asked her what else she needed and she asked me for bed sheets and bed covers which I did. She liked those but deep in her heart she longed for a Saree and she said that she should have told me to get one from Jaipur, I smiled at her childlike innocence and smiled because I was sending it anyway. She wore it during Durga puja and yes she loved it, The bed sheets and the bed covers are still unused, we had some renovation work then and my heart cries out to think of the day we will use those bed sheets.

I tried something, I know she would have approved! I...actually I should say 'We'...as in the entire family..me, .my Baba, brother and sis-in-law picked some of her sarees and gave it to the people who mattered a lot to her, who matter a lot to us and she mattered a lot to them. These people have accepted with all grace and taken it as a blessing, as a keepsake.

And I will not distinguish which was hers and which mine, I will wear when I can to feel the arms around me.

Some of her old clothes will be given to the needy, I am selfish to give only the old. I don't want to let her memory go, I do want to see them and feel them and remember her.

Makes me think if I really need to purchase stuff for the heck of it, for a birthday or for some festive season, may be I should start thinking and doing in a different way...spend where it is needed and touch the life of some.  But at the end I am my mother's daughter and I might just keep adding to my wardrobe.

The Void

The morning brings tea memories, her tea would be without sugar and her biscuit would be different from the rest of us, now there is no tea to be made without sugar...the void!

Lazing around on weekends, the laptop in front of me, she would ask when I would bathe and why I delayed...

Some weekends there would be chores to do, and I would get into my jeans and she would ask 'where now?'

Some weekends there were friends to meet and she would ask how long it would take, she would ask if I would be back before lunch...

The laptop is still open and there are chores to do, but not saying this anymore, 'Ma, I will just be back!' The Void!

And when the head needed a massage, it would be  a matter of ask...not this way not that way I would say and make her weak fingers work...today I oiled my hair but that silent thought to know if she's watching hangs on my head...The Void!

And tea time meant she asked me if I wanted a cuppa and I readily said 'Yes'...the sitting together with tea and snacks...that will be a memory. Teas we will have...but that Void!

The evening prayer, the blowing of the conch, the scarf in the head...these will happen but the hand that blessed is somewhere unseen...the Void!

Ma

I combed my hair and remembered the many times I fought with Ma for making by hair too tight or too loose. Many a times when I rushed for work with uncombed hair, she would look at me and ask me to fix it. I would say don’t worry I will do that in office, it will mess up anyways. She may not have figured out how I turned out to be so careless when she has been dainty all her life.

She asked for hair oil and I don't know if she used it off late. I would ask her to oil and message my oil as I wanted that she exercise her fingers.

I arranged the washed clothes and thought of every moment when she did it. Today I will have to do it. I scolded her so many things for sending some of my clothes to laundry, I would ask her to keep all in one place and let me decide which to send. Today I have to do it all by myself. She would look at my cupboard and tell me how messy it was, today I am not gaining the strength to look at it. I will need to clean it eventually. I remember with some fondness and a lot of pain how she told me that I didn’t keep a track of what all clothes I had.

Remembered the Sandhya Deeya and Dhoop and know from the core of my heart that she taught me this. Know how she would call me in our Shillong home and no matter what we were doing we had to be present for it. Her blessings were there for all of us, now I have to try and feel that invisible hand.

The evening tea! She would ask me if I wanted to drink and I would say yes. Almost Always! I am trying to maintain this as a ritual, even if it's just me or just two of us.