My Many Regrets

With Ma's leaving us brings the regrets upfront....

So everyone at her deathbed and later and me too felt that she must have had that one wish unfulfilled, to see her daughter married, to have played with her grandchildren.
...But Ma, was it in any of our control? And do you rather not see your daughter satisfied then be in a marriage and suffocate!
...You know Ma, may be someday...may be you will know.

The day before your last day, since you were to be released and not before evening I once thought of going to office and staying home the next day. But I changed my mind the last moment and stayed at home. But my regret is I kept doing my office work in between the household chores. Had I any sense or idea I might have spent the whole day and tried to speak to you, make you say any last words you had in mind!
....Never did it seem that day would be the last, it seemed like a matter of days you would be better and my mind was full of the next step that needed to be taken.
....I spoke to my cousin that day, almost wanting to tell him to come...but also adding that she would be released!
....Did you purposely keep me away?

And those times in the hospital I scolded you to be more patient, to have the food, even crying and saying that you make me helpless. Saying Ma do you like trips to the hospital, every other day? Asking her to try, to make an effort....but did she have enough energy and did I ever understand?

Miss You

Even though you spoke so little, Even though I shared so less

When you asked me about my uncombed hair, how I brushed it away

When you asked me about my laughing to self, how I said it’s nothing Ma

When you asked me about that tear in my eye, how I said it’s just a cold

I miss the question when I dug something from the cupboard

I miss the excitement when I bought something new

I miss that look when I came home early, I miss that look when I went out with friends

I miss you is just a phrase, too little to capture what all I miss...

Makar Sankranti

The other day I bought some sweet potatoes, boiled those and cut these into pieces, added salt and lemon, to be had as snacks! Simple stuff but the mind went back to that time, back home in Shillong, on cold winter days and awaiting the arrival of Sankranti.

All rituals and celebrations always have a special space in our family and we are not the ones to have kept away from the festivities. My Ma was a working woman, full time between home and office and did everything she could to balance both.  So the ritual, a day before Sankranti was for her to go to office but return early as there were these peethas to be made. So she would boil the sweet potatoes, leave them to cool and ask me to peel the skin and mash them fine. She would particularly tell me to ensure that there were no small pieces left. And when she got home we would both be at it, mash the potatoes finer, add the flour and mix them into a dough. Then make oval shaped pieces with those. We would then fry those, and add the same to the jaggery syrup. 

Then there were pathi peethas and pulis and gojas. We did these in the mud chullhas and even in the biting cold we would be warm from the heat in the kitchen. And most of it was done, we would all sit together and relish the same.

And before this was all done, bhai and me and friends would build a mera-meri ghor, not a perfect hut but had all the ingredients of fun and festivity. The next morning, that is on the Sankranti morning, I would usually be the first to get up, heat the water on a stove(there were no geysers then) and then wake up bhai and the cousins whenever they were with us. One by one, in those cold mornings we would bathe and then go and burn that hut.  By that time Ma would bathe, prepare the peethas for the Gods and then do her Puja. Once that was done, it was peetha time for us.

Things have changed, we have grown up and Ma has left us all behind. This will be the first Sankranti without her and we will not be really celebrating.  I know Baba will miss all these more than us, for he knows what Ma has done to gel into his family, the traditions and the values. May be the nieces will be the reason we prepare some peethas, while hiding our tears.

For you Ma

Ma, this is for you! I am trying to do a few things and I hope these will make me a better person and the world, a better place!

I know you did not like the frequent tussle between me and Baba. You always asked me to keep quiet which I never paid heed to. I had to bring my point home. I know your nature kept the marriage alive and kept our family going in spite of all the troubles we had to go through! We know all so well what you have done for all!

I broke down on the day of the Shraddha, over something that Baba said. I cried my heart out but got back to work soon. Since that day I have tried to control and I am trying to keep quiet.

Ok, our microwave was not working and we could have easily got that repaired but Baba wanted to buy us a new one. I did not argue and we bought one. And so that you know we used money from your savings account to do the same. You would have approved I think!

I will continue this post to add little things I think I am trying to do to make things better.