Some Winters ago

It's Dec 30 today, some years back in 2001 on a cold December morning, probably the 31st I arrived in Delhi with Ma and today as I sit at home remembering a lot many things, I wonder if I should be thankful for these 15 years or wonder if it could have been more!

This afternoon as Baba listened to the news on the radio and the songs started after the news, my mind raced back to years back when me and Ma use to lie on the bed listening to songs after our lunch. I did not have a job then and Ma had come to settle us down. There was no internet or TV then and the radio was our only source of entertainment on such gloomy noons. I remembered buying vegetables and cooking mixed veg. How I wish those days of Ma's fair health had lasted for ever.

I had a job by Feb and Ma returned to Shillong in April if I remember correctly. Ma and Baba have visited many winters since and my heart really wants to rewind back to those days, to do things that I could have done, made her more happy or simply listen to the radio.

Flowers

I read this somewhere yesterday...

                           If Roses grow in Heaven Lord,
                           Please pick  a bunch for me,
                           Place them in my Mother's arms
                          And tell her they're from me...

And sure she loves flowers, we have a garden back in our Shillong home and she missed all those while in Delhi. So when she left she received these flowers from friends here and there, she must have felt some happiness.

And as if by some pull, I have started getting some flowers as well. Hope I continue....these will be for you Ma.

Somewhere here

Do I hear a whisper or it's just my mind?

Do I feel a touch or it's just my mind?

Are those eyes watching or am I just dreaming?

Is there a star that shines brighter or is that just my mind?

Do I see a smile? Hope your pain is all gone! 

Of Wishes, Desires and Possessions

Our never ending wishes, our happiness in owning and our never ending desires. Yes, life is such. And one day we leave it all and just leave. Who knows where we go...

Looking at Ma's clothes brings a kind of pain that is difficult to put in words, I have started sorting it out which is a bigger pain. No, I can't pretend not to notice, and I don't want to postpone either!

She loved sarees and over her lifetime had accumulated many. Each of these has some or the other memory associated. She would always wonder about their fate as I don't wear Sarees too often even though I love wearing them. But it was not too bad as every time I went home I would pick one of her sarees and bring it with me to wear. And that had started long back, from my college days. When I was in hostel I would take one during each visit, wear it on some occasion and bring it back home the next time and take another.

Recently I started collecting my own sarees, and she loved to see me in Sarees. I had told her I will make Salwar suits out of some of her Sarees and she was pleased. How many of these I will wear I don't know but seeing these makes me smile and cry at the same time. She loved the the latest Saree that I had bought but unfortunately I have not worn it yet. I meant to wear at a wedding but dumped it for a suit. The next day she felt sick, these unrelated logic and connections will haunt me for don't know how long!

Last year I got one for her from Jaipur and did not tell her. I wanted it to be a surprise. She was in our hometown Shillong and I was in Delhi. I did ask her what she wanted as she always said that she had too many. So I asked her what else she needed and she asked me for bed sheets and bed covers which I did. She liked those but deep in her heart she longed for a Saree and she said that she should have told me to get one from Jaipur, I smiled at her childlike innocence and smiled because I was sending it anyway. She wore it during Durga puja and yes she loved it, The bed sheets and the bed covers are still unused, we had some renovation work then and my heart cries out to think of the day we will use those bed sheets.

I tried something, I know she would have approved! I...actually I should say 'We'...as in the entire family..me, .my Baba, brother and sis-in-law picked some of her sarees and gave it to the people who mattered a lot to her, who matter a lot to us and she mattered a lot to them. These people have accepted with all grace and taken it as a blessing, as a keepsake.

And I will not distinguish which was hers and which mine, I will wear when I can to feel the arms around me.

Some of her old clothes will be given to the needy, I am selfish to give only the old. I don't want to let her memory go, I do want to see them and feel them and remember her.

Makes me think if I really need to purchase stuff for the heck of it, for a birthday or for some festive season, may be I should start thinking and doing in a different way...spend where it is needed and touch the life of some.  But at the end I am my mother's daughter and I might just keep adding to my wardrobe.

The Void

The morning brings tea memories, her tea would be without sugar and her biscuit would be different from the rest of us, now there is no tea to be made without sugar...the void!

Lazing around on weekends, the laptop in front of me, she would ask when I would bathe and why I delayed...

Some weekends there would be chores to do, and I would get into my jeans and she would ask 'where now?'

Some weekends there were friends to meet and she would ask how long it would take, she would ask if I would be back before lunch...

The laptop is still open and there are chores to do, but not saying this anymore, 'Ma, I will just be back!' The Void!

And when the head needed a massage, it would be  a matter of ask...not this way not that way I would say and make her weak fingers work...today I oiled my hair but that silent thought to know if she's watching hangs on my head...The Void!

And tea time meant she asked me if I wanted a cuppa and I readily said 'Yes'...the sitting together with tea and snacks...that will be a memory. Teas we will have...but that Void!

The evening prayer, the blowing of the conch, the scarf in the head...these will happen but the hand that blessed is somewhere unseen...the Void!

Ma

I combed my hair and remembered the many times I fought with Ma for making by hair too tight or too loose. Many a times when I rushed for work with uncombed hair, she would look at me and ask me to fix it. I would say don’t worry I will do that in office, it will mess up anyways. She may not have figured out how I turned out to be so careless when she has been dainty all her life.

She asked for hair oil and I don't know if she used it off late. I would ask her to oil and message my oil as I wanted that she exercise her fingers.

I arranged the washed clothes and thought of every moment when she did it. Today I will have to do it. I scolded her so many things for sending some of my clothes to laundry, I would ask her to keep all in one place and let me decide which to send. Today I have to do it all by myself. She would look at my cupboard and tell me how messy it was, today I am not gaining the strength to look at it. I will need to clean it eventually. I remember with some fondness and a lot of pain how she told me that I didn’t keep a track of what all clothes I had.

Remembered the Sandhya Deeya and Dhoop and know from the core of my heart that she taught me this. Know how she would call me in our Shillong home and no matter what we were doing we had to be present for it. Her blessings were there for all of us, now I have to try and feel that invisible hand.

The evening tea! She would ask me if I wanted to drink and I would say yes. Almost Always! I am trying to maintain this as a ritual, even if it's just me or just two of us.

A Never to be Forgotten Story

Some incidents remain with you forever. And this one always brought me a smile and now it brings me a tear. Antu sir left us all but his memories live.

This was when I was in Class X and was preparing for my board exams. Sir had huge expectations of me and basically he knew the capacity of each of his students. He was all set to take an exam and told us  that the score in his exam would be near to the final score we would get in the board exam. I wanted to do well for obvious reasons.

I wrote Sir's exam well but I knew there were minor misses but I did not know that I had made a blunder till my friend told me. She was in a different batch and that was when Antu Sir was correcting the papers. He corrected my paper before others and used mine to check others. But there was this one problem where I had made a mistake in the very last step and Sir overlooked that.
But when the others saw that he had not marked their correct answer they looked at each other's paper and at each other. It took a look of courage from them to tell Sir to recheck my paper. And when he did he found that I had made the silliest of mistakes in the last step - I had added 0 and 1 and written 4. He crossed my answer out and did not give me a single mark on that question. So, my marks stood at 88 from 93.

So when my friend told me about this when we were headed for our class, I was scared, damn scared.  And when he sat across me, I was expecting to be scolded, he looked cool and smiled at me and asked me to be careful in my final exam. That was it! Yes, that was it!

He visited the examination hall on the day of the examination, asked me to confidently answer the paper. I did well and eventually scored 91 in the final exam, the state highest that year. His greatness did not stop here, the state highest in the following year was his student too. In a way we are happy to  have made him proud.

I cannot forget the moment he did not scold me, he came to the examination hall and how he was waiting after the exam for some student to visit him. When he saw me he was relieved and when he went through my question paper, he looked satisfied.

He gifted me a watch after the results, unfortunately I lost that years later in Bangalore. How much I want to go back in time and get my watch fixed so it does not fall off my hand. But that will never happen!

And it's been a year since we all lost you Sir but never your teachings! Forever etched!

Rio Moments

2016 Rio Olympics is almost done! And though I have mostly followed India's trail, I do remember a few other moments which I want to cherish for ever!

The most defining moments have been the girls, India's daughters of course! Dipa, going  where no Indian has been before and almost winning a medal. I cried for her, she missed a medal by a whisker. 4 years from now I do want to see a more determined her!

And Sakshi Malik as she ended the medal drought for India and made all of us proud!

Last but not the least PV Sindhu, the fighter. She did everything but at the end of the day it was the better player who won the day but she was no loser. She will go down our history books as the first silver medalist in Badminton.

I don't want to forget the commendable efforts of Datty Bhokanal. Dattu Baban Bhokanal missed out on a semi-final berth by six seconds in the men’s singles sculls at the Rio Olympics, but the experience of being on the biggest stage has helped him identify the plan for ever.

The image of Kirsten Armstrong with her son made me feel that yes if you believe you can do it.

Rafaela Silva winning the gold in Judo, the first for her country must have made it all so special for her. Four years ago, Silva was the victim of sickening racist abuse on social media after she was disqualified from the London Games for a borderline illegal leg-grab

And Simon Biles  girl with all her modesty won my heart! Her smile is so infectious!

And the Singapore boy Joseph Schooling who beat Phelps is one of  my most favorite Olympic moment. "It isn't every day you come face to face with your childhood idol - and defeat him at the Olympics."

And I don't even want to count the total medals Phelps has accumulated!

And Usain Bolt, a very Happy Birthday to you! You will live forever! Triple Triple!

Dipa Karmakar - We are so proud of you!

Girl you rock! To see you qualify for Olympics was a joy, to see you reach the finals was a great joy and to see you perform was to see determination, grit personified, a moment of pride! I loved it, I cried and my eyes are still moist into the morning.

You have out performed the likes of Sania and Saina; they were experienced and had the world to their side but they had that passion missing. One complained that there was an injury and the other is bothered about the next Olympics. I would rather not see you there, Mirza!

Dipa, coming from Tripura has it all. Her face lightens, her eyes smile and she knows what is needed. She is already talking of winning a Gold in 2020. She did it with all the limited resources and the nation knows. Only the authorities should know, prepare her and reward her.

I am so proud, so so proud. Proud of a North Eastern! Proud of a small town girl!

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high...

The Wait for that one medal

It's  Day 9 and no sight of  a single medal for the Indian contingent. The hopes, the dreams seem to be shattering each day. Each day I wait and each day there is a disappointing end. How much I had hoped for Sania-Rohan pair to reach the mixed doubles finals but that did not happen. My brother was kidding at me saying, "C'mon they are playing Venus Williams". Well I was still hopeful! And now I can wait only for the bronze, and not sure that will happen or not. Sania Mirza, you disappointed us big time.

Dipa Karmakar plays today and I sure love the determination on her face, her body language is sincere but the competition is tough. Tonight will tell the story but girl you have won our hearts.

Deepika Kumari, that confused soul, you have some bright side to your game but again you are a disappointment again. And to add to that you are arrogant. Bombayla Devi on the other hand has shown lots of promise. True she could not make it but we do wish she gets the opportunity and the means to take it forward from here.

Lalita Babar has shown some courage and we will wait to see how you fare.

I just read somewhere that Babita Kumar is on her road to recovery following a Zika virus scare. We wish her well.

The other disappointments are in the form of Jwala Gutta and Ashwini Ponappa.These girls, to me, are more glamour and show then determination. They lost matches they could have won.

I have not forgotten to wish P V Sindhu. Wish she shows some fight.

Last but not the least, Saina Nehwal, we hope she hold on to her nerve. I was not convinced with her first win however may be that was just starting problem.

All the Best Dipa, Saina, Sindhu, Babita and Lalita.

A girl's dream

Worries of a Girl

I want to worry not....
Of my passing birthdays
Of my careless tresses
Of the creases in my skirt

I want to effortlessly...
Smile without reason
Cry when I am sad
Sleep when I am tired
Love more than I am loved

I want to...
Let my hair fly without bothering about where the comb is
Let my hands and feet tap when I am happy
Let myself soak in the rain and the sea

I want to live, even after I am gone

Sumegha Gulati

The first time I read about her was when people were paying their respect on her death. She was a journalist and bless or curse the mushrooming of the media houses, I would know hardly a few anyways.

I read about her demise on a friend's FB post and went on to follow the other news around her. It's so painful when you hear of someone dying so young, more so when you read about the courageous life she lives and the battle she fought within.

I read more because she wrote for Indian Express, a newspaper I have grown to despise because of it's pro-Pakistan touch and also because she wrote on Kashmir. I navigated to her FB profile and realized here was another Barkha Dutt in the making. Her pro-Burhan posts made me sick almost, how could someone be have been brainwashed so much?

And this is so disgusting? How much did she get payed for reporting such stuff I wonder!

And then in an article it was mentioned how she joked she was coming to India from Pakistan. If that's a joke I am sorry for your parents to have a traitor in their child.

I felt sick reading the disgusting headline...is Kashmir not part of India? She endorsed that.

I feel too bad to that in spite of all medical advancement cancer has not been conquered.

Udta Punjab

I never had this intense desire to go and watch Udta Punjab, I don't know why! But a team mate liked it so much so that she did not mind a second watch with the team and initiated the movie meet. I was even considering last minute cancellation, however just made it on time.

The hype that was, did not make any sense before, nor did it make any sense today. I liked the performances of every actor, specially Ms Bhatt. But the storyline, I don't think it deserves that level of appreciation equivalent to the level of hype. Or may be my expectations are just too much.

It told us a story quite familiar, the association with liquor and language is not not very distant if you happen to live in Delhi. Not only a party is incomplete without drinks but you cannot be on the road without getting used to the most rough abusive language. To this lot in this part of the country, its normal bread and butter though!

The money flows and so does the influence, so this movie did not capture anything great. Go to Nagaland, Manipur and you will see a similar influence of drugs and drinks. However the North East treats its women better than the rest of the country.

The first thought that came to my mind was Honey Singh. Well, on his songs the less said the better, never been my cup of tea anyway! But most Punjabi popular songs are on kudi and paisa anyways. So may be Honey Singh won't be much pleased with the movie and it's character Tommy. That realization dawned upon him could have been better depicted I think! The song where he looks for his lady love is somewhat the type of song I would love to listen more, but that too failed to impress much!

Kareena and her bike, could we have not got some better idea? And she never faces Shahid on screen, that is called planning. I liked Sartaj though, cute but his brother killed the bhabhi. That is drugs for you!

Alia was a suprise, I loved the scene where she says she has not broken down and she will keep dreaming, that's the spirit one needs. Kudos!

Lastly I am still glad I watched; and I could write something.

And sorry I did not follow the AAP vs BJP debate!

Our first hero

So, every building has pillars for support, so does every house has its support system which is strong and reliable. So much that we have relied on Dad for everything, from decision making to taking bold steps. He is the doctor of the family, he is the ones who gets the daily vegetable marketing done and at times decides on which dish to be cooked.

With time however, with age however, some of the physical strength diminishes. It's painful too see him limp a little while his mental strength makes him run. That scene almost brings a tear to the eye,

It's he who we look forward to when our noses run, when our eyes are watery or our throats itch but when the pain in his leg makes him run from here to there for that one magic dose which will kill the pain, it almost brings a tear to the eye.

He has been practical, he knows the cycle of life, he knows people come and go, he knows certain relationships are for some season while some relations will last a life time, But when I see him remembering our old dog, Bruno, when I see him hide his tears, it almost brings a tear to the eye.

I just want to hide that tear of mine now, and try to him a smile.

No Father's day gift, No Daughter's day gift, just stay by my side, Baba, always!

Mother's Day

I would hardly ever know what all I imbibed from her but surely values must be one of them. And some of her looks I guess! The quiet she that my mother is, must be very surprised to see a loud incarnation of her in me. She must hate it when I shout, being the quiet person she is! I have hardly ever seen her raise her voice, except for the occasional anger or dissatisfaction. She took on all the responsibilities of a wife, a daughter-in-law and a mother. She has been the most loved sibling among her brothers and sisters and she continues to be a sweet heart. She is like a child too, occasionally marveling at the purse or shoe I buy and wanting one for herself. She would say no to new stuff however there is a child in her that wants it too.

I don't even know if I live up to her expectations, if she wants anything from me or I can ever understand and make her happy the way she would love to be.

I didn't get any gifts for her on Mother's day, I don't know what she would love but I want to stay at home and make her feel that I am not so busy today. I don't think she cares what day it is today and neither should we as everyday we live is simply dedicated to our mothers.

What's in a child?

So, here it goes, when you know a kid is coming to your family...the expectations, the fears, the excitement, the nervousness all come in one package.

Well, even before the kid arrives there is speculation around the sex of the kid, and in India, in some parts of India, to be more accurate, a boy is preferred. So much so that it becomes a topic of discussion in your neighbor's home, between their children and some of it which you get to hear about when they visit you.

We have had no such expectations at home and we welcomed the arrival of my niece with so much affection as we did for the first child. When my elder niece was born, we had a child in the family after a long time and we all had tears of joy. The nurses quite did not understand why we were so happy as they had never seen a family express so much happiness when a girl is born.

And now when my second niece, we are all happy. But back at the hospital someone was consoling us and saying it's ok, these days girls are same as boys. Oh my God, that person even thought that we were upset and came out with some free advice. Bless us heavens!

Then there was another lady who told my sis in law why she had not taken some special medicines so as to conceive a boy! God bless again that soul!

We are happy otherwise, by God's grace we have a cupboard full of the elder's clothes and they will all be reused. Super saver the younger one is! We love you!