Of Wishes, Desires and Possessions

Our never ending wishes, our happiness in owning and our never ending desires. Yes, life is such. And one day we leave it all and just leave. Who knows where we go...

Looking at Ma's clothes brings a kind of pain that is difficult to put in words, I have started sorting it out which is a bigger pain. No, I can't pretend not to notice, and I don't want to postpone either!

She loved sarees and over her lifetime had accumulated many. Each of these has some or the other memory associated. She would always wonder about their fate as I don't wear Sarees too often even though I love wearing them. But it was not too bad as every time I went home I would pick one of her sarees and bring it with me to wear. And that had started long back, from my college days. When I was in hostel I would take one during each visit, wear it on some occasion and bring it back home the next time and take another.

Recently I started collecting my own sarees, and she loved to see me in Sarees. I had told her I will make Salwar suits out of some of her Sarees and she was pleased. How many of these I will wear I don't know but seeing these makes me smile and cry at the same time. She loved the the latest Saree that I had bought but unfortunately I have not worn it yet. I meant to wear at a wedding but dumped it for a suit. The next day she felt sick, these unrelated logic and connections will haunt me for don't know how long!

Last year I got one for her from Jaipur and did not tell her. I wanted it to be a surprise. She was in our hometown Shillong and I was in Delhi. I did ask her what she wanted as she always said that she had too many. So I asked her what else she needed and she asked me for bed sheets and bed covers which I did. She liked those but deep in her heart she longed for a Saree and she said that she should have told me to get one from Jaipur, I smiled at her childlike innocence and smiled because I was sending it anyway. She wore it during Durga puja and yes she loved it, The bed sheets and the bed covers are still unused, we had some renovation work then and my heart cries out to think of the day we will use those bed sheets.

I tried something, I know she would have approved! I...actually I should say 'We'...as in the entire family..me, .my Baba, brother and sis-in-law picked some of her sarees and gave it to the people who mattered a lot to her, who matter a lot to us and she mattered a lot to them. These people have accepted with all grace and taken it as a blessing, as a keepsake.

And I will not distinguish which was hers and which mine, I will wear when I can to feel the arms around me.

Some of her old clothes will be given to the needy, I am selfish to give only the old. I don't want to let her memory go, I do want to see them and feel them and remember her.

Makes me think if I really need to purchase stuff for the heck of it, for a birthday or for some festive season, may be I should start thinking and doing in a different way...spend where it is needed and touch the life of some.  But at the end I am my mother's daughter and I might just keep adding to my wardrobe.

The Void

The morning brings tea memories, her tea would be without sugar and her biscuit would be different from the rest of us, now there is no tea to be made without sugar...the void!

Lazing around on weekends, the laptop in front of me, she would ask when I would bathe and why I delayed...

Some weekends there would be chores to do, and I would get into my jeans and she would ask 'where now?'

Some weekends there were friends to meet and she would ask how long it would take, she would ask if I would be back before lunch...

The laptop is still open and there are chores to do, but not saying this anymore, 'Ma, I will just be back!' The Void!

And when the head needed a massage, it would be  a matter of ask...not this way not that way I would say and make her weak fingers work...today I oiled my hair but that silent thought to know if she's watching hangs on my head...The Void!

And tea time meant she asked me if I wanted a cuppa and I readily said 'Yes'...the sitting together with tea and snacks...that will be a memory. Teas we will have...but that Void!

The evening prayer, the blowing of the conch, the scarf in the head...these will happen but the hand that blessed is somewhere unseen...the Void!

Ma

I combed my hair and remembered the many times I fought with Ma for making by hair too tight or too loose. Many a times when I rushed for work with uncombed hair, she would look at me and ask me to fix it. I would say don’t worry I will do that in office, it will mess up anyways. She may not have figured out how I turned out to be so careless when she has been dainty all her life.

She asked for hair oil and I don't know if she used it off late. I would ask her to oil and message my oil as I wanted that she exercise her fingers.

I arranged the washed clothes and thought of every moment when she did it. Today I will have to do it. I scolded her so many things for sending some of my clothes to laundry, I would ask her to keep all in one place and let me decide which to send. Today I have to do it all by myself. She would look at my cupboard and tell me how messy it was, today I am not gaining the strength to look at it. I will need to clean it eventually. I remember with some fondness and a lot of pain how she told me that I didn’t keep a track of what all clothes I had.

Remembered the Sandhya Deeya and Dhoop and know from the core of my heart that she taught me this. Know how she would call me in our Shillong home and no matter what we were doing we had to be present for it. Her blessings were there for all of us, now I have to try and feel that invisible hand.

The evening tea! She would ask me if I wanted to drink and I would say yes. Almost Always! I am trying to maintain this as a ritual, even if it's just me or just two of us.